I give great advice. Hell, I give amazing advice. As a general rule, if I tell you to do something, you ought to do it because it’ll be the smartest option. That sounds vain, but it’s true and I’m proud of my guru powers.
Unfortunately, this means that when it comes to my own life I become a retard. Especially in the world of romance. I think this is a case of, “Do as I say, not as I do.” But never fear! There is a way for my mistakes to work for the better good, so without further ado here’s a list of what NOT to do when you like a guy.
When you like a guy…
- …don’t assume he doesn’t like you. I’ve had friends tell me, “I can’t ask him out, he doesn’t like me!” When I ask them why they’d think that, they honestly can’t tell me why. They were just being insecure morons. Don’t be an insecure moron. Unless a guy is giving very clear BACK OFF signs, or you are out right rejected, you always have a chance.
- …don’t assume he’s madly in love with you. This seems like a contradiction, but it’s not if you apply some common sense. Let’s say a friend tells you that hot guy wants to marry you because he smiled at you that one time five years ago. So you proceed to stalk him like a creeper…yeah, don’t. Chances are he doesn’t even remember your name. Your friends are designed to boost your self-esteem, so take it with a grain of salt when they claim a guy wants to partake in matrimony with you.
- …don’t be retarded, ask the poor guy out. Alright! Things are going well. You definitely like him, and you’re getting some sure signs that he likes you back. Unfortunately he hasn’t asked you out yet. Believe it or not, guys can be really shy when they want to be. It looks like it’s going to be up to you. So what do you do? You ignore him and avoid the awkward rejection you’ve decided you’re going to get. Stop being stupid. Just ask him on a date and see what happens. You might be surprised.
- …don’t be a jealous whore. Remember that guy you refused to ask out? Well, it looks like he’s moved on from the looks of the googly eyes he and that girl are giving each other. Unfortunately it seems like you never quite got over him, so you shoot the girl in the head with an airsoft gun in a fit of feminine, drunken rage. There’s so many things wrong with that. Just don’t do it. It’s your own fault you didn’t ask him out and he had every right to move on. Don’t blame him, and don’t blame the new girl. It just makes you look bad.
- …don’t count off those other cute guys. It really doesn’t look like it’s going to happen with the crush of your choice. At some point, you really need to move on. During all that time you were pining over Mr. Crush, five other guys were probably off to the side drooling on your shoes and you didn’t even notice. One of them could have been a model for all you know.
- …don’t put yourself down. I’ve never seen you, but you’re probably gorgeous. Just accept this and FLAUNT IT BABY. You can’t expect a guy to love you when you don’t love yourself, so go look in the mirror and give yourself a smooch. …what? No that’s not weird. It’s empowering!
This is all pretty basic advice, but I think when girls see a guy they like they just become…retarded. I don’t know what it is, but the braincells just hiss and die in a burst of flames. And just for the record, I never personally shot the girl with an air soft gun….someone else did it for me. I am very ashamed, you don’t need to tell me.